I'm OK But. . . .

I know everyone is decorating for Christmas now and I have been, too, so why this Thanksgiving/Fall photo at this time of year? Well, the last two days I've been ok but. . . I still feel like I have these "moments" or "times" when I feel so down and I guess it's because I miss my mother. The photo above I like because I did decorate for Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas even though I really didn't feel like it. But I did it. And as I did it, I added in little things of my mother's that would remind me of her and make my home feel like she's a part of all this "celebrating."

In the photo above, the two little ceramic squirrels were my mother's. I remember them for as long as I can remember and everywhere we lived, I remember her hanging them on an outside wall of our house. That's why I love them - because she did and they were so important to her. They ARE cute, aren't they? I wonder where she got them. I never asked her and wish I had. She probably ordered them from a catalog. She loved to order things from a catalog. :)

After her house was almost empty, I went out on her screened-in porch on the back of her house and saw these still hanging on the wall outside. Everyone had been through her things and made lists and gotten things they wanted and no one had taken down those little squirrels. I just couldn't leave them yet I couldn't give them away so I took them home. They just seem to look perfect with the greenery and pumpkins, etc.

Today my husband and I took our granddaughter to the Shakespeare Theatre here to buy tickets to a play. As I was talking to the lady in the ticket office, somehow the subject came around to our mothers and holidays and I just broke down crying in front of the woman. I thought I was through with that but I guess not. The lady was very understanding and thoughtful about this with me. She told me that a time would come that I would treasure moments like I had today. I guess time will only tell.

Lazy Daze

My days have seemed lazy lately. I've been doing a lot of reading, working with photos and files on the computer, photographing things outside, a little bit of sewing, and organizing things. I've cooked with my husband (which we used to do a long time ago when we first were married).

I've been waking up very early lately, too. Day before yesterday, I woke up at 3 am and yesterday I woke at around 5:30 so I headed outside with my camera when I saw this fog (as in the photo above). It was beautiful and I got a lot of soft photos. The one above is one of my favorites. It has the warm, fall colors in it with the hay bale and the mist.

I've been feeling a little low lately, probably because the holidays are approaching and this will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my mother here. I want to draw close to my family but they're all so busy. At least we can keep in touch through all this technology. I love them all.

A Haunting Question

This is the toughest post I've made this year and it is a haunting question. I've thought about it all day.

Above is a photo from yesterday when we took Paige to the zoo. They have a nice playground there which she enjoys so much. It is one of the first places we took her to enjoy. When we got home, I loaded the pictures on the computer and she was sitting in my lap looking at them. When we came to this picture, she got really excited because this was one in which she was trying to help a little boy come up the slide. He was younger and she just loves to be a helper when she has an opportunity.

She asked me why I didn't take a picture of the little boy :( That question really made me stop and think. I remember the moment. I considered taking his picture with her but decided not to do it and just have a picture of her. She wanted him in the picture because she was helping him.

I'm not proud of the fact that I left the little boy out of the picture and I won't do it again. This has really bothered me all day today. I'm glad she pointed out this character flaw of mine by asking this question. We can learn so much from little children if we'll only listen with our hearts.

Cinderella's Grandmother

You can barely see her but this is Cinderella's grandmother in the mirror on the merry-go-round. I didn't tweak this photo at all.

Cinderella's grandmother had a lousy day today even though she was productive - cleaning house, doing laundry, went to choir practice and even cooked a very good meal for tonight. She has just been in a lousy mood. Guess even members of Cinderella's family have those kinds of days.

Calgon, Take Me Away!!!!!

Those of you out there who are old enough to remember this phrase and this commercial know what this means! I'm am exhausted. Still have work to do. Woman's work is never done! I'm eating and going to bed to have peace and quiet and read and gear up for the weekend. Keep Paige tomorrow and yard sale Sat. Church Sunday. Whew!

Photo Booth - A LONG Time Ago!

Here's a photo I scanned (still learning how to do this) a while back when I first bought my scanner. I am guessing that I'm about 15 years old and my brother is about 12 years old. I think it's cute.

Guess I'm posting it because it's a photo with both of my parents when they were young and I really like it. It also reminds me of the different traits I inherited from both of my parents.

One is temper which I lost last night and was still angry this morning. I was so angry with my husband last night that I didn't think I would go to sleep but, surprisingly, I went right to sleep and slept a very good night's sleep until about 7 this morning. But when my feet hit the floor (and immediately, I might add!), I was still angry. So I immediately took my vitamin and calcium with a glass of milk and started vacuuming the house with furor.

This is what made me so angry last night. The silliest thing. He said he would like for "us" to get in a routine of cleaning and vacuuming the house. It infuriated me. I tend to over-react just like my daddy and can have a temper like he had. So I woke up still just as angry as when I went to sleep for some reason and just started vacuuming.

But, you see, I used to hold in my anger and would end up depressed, sometimes very depressed. I'm trying to find ways to vent my anger in a healthier way and physical things are a good way for me. My husband calls it over-reacting but I call it a healthy way to vent my anger. I also wrote in long-hand how I felt and then shredded it. It was almost like a prayer for help and it works for me!

When I got home today, my floors were clean and my husband was nicer to me and I had gotten over my anger. Whatever works, right?

My Mother's Home

Just wanted to preserve a photo of my mother's home here. It is on the market now and the realtor is taking down wallpaper and painting in the two bathrooms and the kitchen. She is a very hard worker.

I still have a key and tend to use my mother's house for my bathroom stops when I'm there doing other things like shopping, running errands, etc. The last time I was there, the realtor was there painting the kitchen and we were talking. I was telling her how I found this house for my mother by just the two of us riding around. Then we got a realtor to take us inside and as soon as my mother walked in, she said, "this is it". It just had a feeling of home to her and she loved it. She didn't care that the wallpaper was outdated or the colors were outdated or it needed new flooring. She just loved the "at home" feeling of the house.

Right before she passed away, she told me that she knew that God placed her in that home to be near her neighbors because she had such good neighbors and loved them so much. They were so good to her and we could never repay them for what they did for her.

I was passing along this info to the realtor and she told me that it was a very well-built house and did have a "homey" feeling and was in a good neighborhood with good neighbors. She told me that the last people to come look at the house stayed about two seconds and walked out. She said she told my brother that those people didn't deserve to live there, that the ones who deserve to live there will be the ones who feel the way my mother did about the house. I loved that.

Those Eyes. . .

The eyes are windows to the soul, right? I love this little girl.

Short but sweet post today.

Closets Revisited

This weekend my sister from Kentucky came to visit and to pack the things she's chosen to keep of Mama's and take back home with her. She rented a UHaul truck because she had some big pieces of furniture and a few big boxes. While they were doing this, I went back into one of her extra bedrooms where I had an experience that I won't forget and took a picture where it happened. Above is a picture of this teeny tiny closet where she kept her sewing and creative treasures. This was the last place I looked through and I can't figure out if I was saving the best for last or was scared of it and saved it for last.


I opened it up (and you can see how small it is from the above photo) and started sorting through her fabrics, thread, buttons, scissors, thimbles, and when I got to the patterns, I lost it. I just broke down and boo-hoo-ed because there I found the patterns that she made my wedding dress from, my prom dress, my bridesmaids dresses, my sisters' things, brother's shirts, my daddy's things that she made - just the whole family. All of a sudden I felt this burst of love coming from that teeny, tiny closet. It's just amazing to me that much love, over 60 years worth, could come from such a tiny place. It was then that I realized how much she loved us, how smart she was, how industrious she was, how caring she was, how creative she was in many, many ways, how unselfish she was and how much I love her and miss her.

They don't make "mamas" like that anymore!

Sentimental

Why in the world would I post a picture of this old dishpan on my blog? This was the very last thing that I lovingly brought home from my mother's house. All the family had already pored over all of her "things" and had carefully chosen what they wanted to keep. I think we all did this over and over. Some of us even brought things home and would take them back again. Then my sister-in-law had a yard sale and included some of Mama's "things" in it. Some of them sold. Some didn't. Then we called a mission to come get some things. Then Habitat for Humanity. Some things were taken to the curb for garbage pick-up. When all was gone, my brother and I were looking in her old shed in her back yard to see if anything was left and there was this old dishpan. Nobody wanted it. I looked at it and memories came flooding back of seeing that old dishpan in my mother's hands for different reasons. I slowly bent over and picked it up and just gave my brother this look that he completely understood (and I'm sure my sisters would, too) and said, "I can't leave this here. I'm taking this home to shell peas in or something." He just gave me an understanding smile and shook his head as if to say, "go ahead. I understand."

Today I spent the whole day in my kitchen cleaning out and rearranging which gave me such a sense of accomplishment. The last thing I did in the kitchen tonight was give that old dishpan a good scrubbing with a feeling that I was so glad that I kept it. My husband and I will put it to good use. Mama would be so proud. :) She did not like to waste anything and liked to put things to good use. We will Mama. You'll be proud of us.

I looked up the word sentimental in the dictionary before I decided to post this. My dictionary gives the definition as: easily affected by emotions such as love, sympathy, sadness, etc., often in a way that seems silly to other people. That's me! It may seem silly to some other people to keep that old dishpan but I guess I'm just sentimental. :)

Rock n Roll!!!!!

Oh, Paw Paw, I want to be a rock star!!!! What a little groupie!

Just What the Doctor Ordered (for Today)!

Here is a pic my husband took of our pool (although I think he was really taking pics of flowers that day!). This is where I spent most of my day today.

I have been waking up (and going to bed) with aches and pains all over my body, front and back, so I googled physical symptoms of grief today and got my answer. When your grief is leaving your mental state (or beginning to), it has nowhere to go but your body (with some people - everyone's different). Advice was given to just give heat or cold, whichever feels better, maybe go to a chiropractor as opposed to using drugs or alcohol.

So. . . I decided that I am completely normal and instead of lying around in this house on a heating pad all the time (which is depressing), to get outside and get cool from the pool! And it did the trick today! It was wonderful!

While I was in the pool just floating around, too, I went over what I've done in my life in the last month to six weeks and have decided that I've not done too badly. I took care of my mother through her sickness at the end, helped to plan her memorial service, went through her memorial service, went to a family reunion during that time which was held at MY house, went to a musical at the Shakespeare Playhouse here, went to hear my husband's band twice, went to another concert, went to a church outing and took my granddaughter with me, kept up my babysitting when requested, went to church and even tried to sing in the choir.

I also went through her things in her house and storage room thoroughly, brought the things I wanted home and have been trying to organize them as well as writing thank you notes, etc.

I really didn't feel like doing any of this but I did. A lot of it I had to MAKE myself do it! So I think I'm pretty normal here and doing the best I can and will not feel guilty today for spending my day relaxing in the pool.

My body does not have aches and pains anywhere right now. :)